i fucking hate growing up.
i want to be in high school again, stuck in some town that i’ve lived in my whole life, that i can’t leave because i’m not old enough. i want family dinners again, with my sister and my mom and my dad. i want my own room again, my own space, my own fucking thoughts.
i’m tired of making decisions. i’m tired of being uncertain. i hate this feeling, like i don’t know where i’m supposed to be in this fucking world. i hate feeling like a made a terrible decision coming to kansas. i know i’m not supposed to be here, and i’m not supposed to be in texas, but where does that leave me? with 48 other states and 190+ other countries to test out. how am i supposed to know when i’m home?
i always thought it would be easy, and i would just feel it, but i thought i felt it here, and i don’t. i thought i felt it in dallas, but i didn’t. so i don’t know what i’m supposed to do. if leaving is the right decision. if going to school in texas, or california, or new york, or north carolina.. if any of those are the right decision. if i’m going to spend a semester at a new school and feel the same way i do here, just hating everything. i’m scared that i’ll never be happy, and that’s just a flaw in myself. that there’s something wrong with ME, not any of the places i’m in, not any of the people i’m surrounded by.
so what do i do if i find out that i’ll just never be happy? what’s the fucking point in living anymore?
